People are either optimistic or pessimistic. Depending on personality and perception people can look at the exact same situation and perceive it as being either positive or negative depending on themselves rather than objective criteria.
The age-old debate about the glass of milk being half full or half empty is a perfect example.
Is Your Glass Half Full or Half Empty?
The idea is that if you take a glass of milk that is precisely half full (what can I say, I am an eternal optimist) and ask a room full of people to tell you about the glass, some will tell you it is half full and some will tell you it is half empty.
They are both right of course as the glass is simultaneously both half full and half empty. This exercise is designed to tell you more about the person than the glass. How the individual perceives the glass, can often provide you with a lot of information about how the person sees the world and their place in it.
The 80/20 Rule
While many people are familiar with this perceptual test, there is another idea about perception that is equally informative, this is the rule of 80/20. This rule states that you get 80 percent of utility out of 20 percent of the group.
In most group projects 20 percent of the people do 80 percent of the work. Most people wear 20 percent of their clothes 80 percent of the time. In most areas of life, it is not actually a 1:1 split but actually it is more like a 4:1 division.
Even Personality Traits Can Be Seen As 80/20
My sister introduced me to a new way to think about the 80/20 rule.
She told me that the thing you like best about your spouse 80 percent of the time, will be the thing that drives you crazy 20% of the time.”
For example your wife’s willingness to come to your rescue is amazing 80% of the time when she is helping you out of a jam, but when she is helping rescue everyone else and their dog you might find it less appealing. Your husbands work ethic is great in that it helps pay the bill, but it is irritating when you are on a family trip and he insists on checking his email. When your realize that personality traits have both negative and positive impacts, it makes it easier to appreciate rather than criticize your spouse.
Choose to Focus on the Good
Applying the idea of 80/20 to relationships can bring a lot of peace and insight. Studies have shown that most people are about 80% compatible with their spouse or significant other.
In happy relationships people focus on the 80% overlap and downplay the 20% differences. In unhappy relationships the focus shifts to the differences instead of the similarities. When this shift happens, even though there is still a lot of common ground, the good times and similarities are dismissed. If this trend is left unchecked, it can often lead to divorce.
The problem is, that the cycle is driven by the individual’s false perception that perfection is possible. When the divorce is final, and the individuals start to date, they will often hyper focus on the 20% deficiency their first marriage had. They will insure that their new partner has the 20% that was lacking in their first spouse. Sadly, because they forgot to appreciate the 80% overlap, they will often not value or look for these traits in their new spouse. But once they are remarried these shortcomings will become glaringly obvious. Perhaps in their efforts to find that missing 20% they didn’t even get the other 60% they would typically find. This cycle is one of the things that contributes to a higher divorce rate in second marriages.
You can increase your satisfaction with your marriage and your spouse, by remembering to focus on the things you like about your partner and the ways in which your marriage is a success. It helps to remember that, regardless of how it may appear in social media or Christmas cards, all couples experience challenges. In fairy tales, the bride and groom get married and live “happily ever after.” In real life, happy endings are not about avoiding trials, they are about having someone who will share life’s struggles with you.
