Time-Out is a form of correction used to express parental displeasure and end unacceptable behavior
Time-Out reinforces the parent’s authority. It also gives the child the chance to calm down, get a hold of their emotions and reset themselves.
Time-Out can be used with kids between the ages of 2 and 12. During Time-Out, the child must sit calmly for one minute for each year of their age. An 8 year old child would spend 8 minutes in Time-Out, while a 3 year old child would be done in 3 minutes.
Create a Time-Out Place
Think of your Time-Out space like the penalty box in hockey. It should be a small, physically contained space that is free of distractions and ways for the child to amuse themselves. In our house we have used stairs, corners, chairs and even closets for Time-Out. If the Time-Out space is in a main area, have the child face the wall to avoid distractions.
When teaching your child how to do Time-Out, it is important to use the same Time-Out space every time. Once they have mastered the concept, you will be able to do Time-Out in a variety of locations.
Time-Out also requires a precise timer that has an audible alarm. Ideally, the child should be able to hear the timer when it goes off, as this will let him know that he has completed his time in Time-Out.
Choose a Target Behavior
Anytime you are introducing a new discipline technique, it is important to work on only one behavior at a time. This behavior is called the “target behavior.” We will focus our interventions on this specific behavior. Narrowing the focus of intervention allows children to understand quickly what behavior is unacceptable.
Once you have a Time-Out zone set up, you will need to choose a target behavior. This should be a behavior that is so offensive to you, that you will be motivated to address it anytime your child does it. In our family, I first started using Time-Out to stop my children from hurting each other.
Teaching Time-Out
Children are not born knowing how to do Time-Out. To successfully use this discipline technique, you first need to teach your child how Time-Out works. Sit them down and say,
“Tracy, in our family we do not hurt each other. You hurt someone when you slap, hit, kick, pull hair or bite them. If you chose to hurt someone, you will go to Time-Out.”
Wait for acknowledgement, then proceed.
“This is our Time-Out space. If you are sent to Time-Out, you will need to come to this spot and sit quietly. You are three years old, so you will need to sit in this spot quietly for three minutes.”
Show her the timer and say,
“This is the timer that we will set for Time-Out. When your Time-Out is over, you will hear this sound. (Demonstrate what the timer sounds like).
“Do you understand?”
Young children may not understand exactly what you want and you may have to teach them the process the first few times you use it. You do this by walking them thru the steps, while verbally explaining what you are doing.
Prepare Yourself
Time-Out is most effective when the parent is calm. By maintaining control of your emotions, you maintain control of the situation. You are providing a counterpoint to your child’s behavior. Instead of reflecting their emotions back to them, you are modeling the calmness they need to exhibit. Generally when you first begin using Time-Out, your child will struggle and fight you to see if you really mean business. Be prepared for a 3 minute Time-Out to take 30 minutes to complete.
Troubleshooting
Sitting quietly is not something that comes naturally to most children, especially when they are upset. Children often attempt to leave the Time-Out space before time is up. Simply put them back in Time-Out, and restart the timer.
Many children are not quiet in Time-Out. If they are grumbling under their breath, try to ignore them. If they are screaming, cursing or threatening you, restart the timer.
It is not necessary to discuss with them why you are resetting the timer. But if you want to give them an explanation, simply say,
“You must stay in Time-Out. When you leave Time-Out, I will restart the timer.”
Super Hard Kids
If you have tried Time-Out without success, you might have to step it up a notch. Find a closet with a door. Empty it of everything. Make sure there is a light. This becomes your backup Time-Out space. If a child absolutely refuses to stay in Time-Out, put them in the closet with the door closed and the light on. Then follow the same procedure as above.
“If they are kicking or screaming in the closet, tell them you cannot start the timer until they are quiet.” says Angela Worth LMFT “Sometimes kids just cannot quiet down and they will fall asleep before calming down. If this happens, simply start the timer once they are asleep. After the time is completed, open the door. Let them sleep until they wake up on their own. Usually, they are much calmer when they wake up.”
Always give a child the opportunity to complete Time-Out in the less punishing space. Most children prefer the more open Time-Out location. Their desire to avoid the closet gives them an incentive to learn to control themselves and to cooperate with your authority.
Compliance
If your child was sent to Time-Out for failing to comply with a parental request, it is important that they follow your direction when they return. If Bob was sent to Time-Out because he refused to pick up his toys, he must pick up his toys after he completes Time-Out. When Time-Out is over, repeat your request. If Bob complies, thank him and move on. If Bob still does not comply, send him back to Time-Out and repeat the process until he follows your direction. Complying with parental requests is not optional and Time-Out is a consequence for disobedience not an alternative to compliance.
Tough Love
Punishment is tough love. It isn’t fun and it takes a toll on both the parent and the child. When you choose to discipline your child, you are choosing to make today more difficult, in order to help your child be successful in the future. Do not let the discipline define your relationship.
“When the punishment is over, find ways to spend positive time together.” says Angela Worth LMFT “Try to carve out time for just the two of you to do something you both enjoy. This can be something simple like finger painting or blowing bubbles. It can be something more elaborate like going for ice scream or seeing a movie.”
This will help to strengthen the relationship. It will remind you both, that it is worth working towards a good relationship.
