Loss of Privilege (LOP) is a technique in which a parent removes a child’s ability to participate in a desired activity or takes away a specific item for a specific amount of time
This consequence is an excellent way to remind children that the parent is the one in charge and in control. This technique is sometimes referred to as “grounding.” While this technique is popular, there are many ways to use it incorrectly. To be effective LOP, should follow several ground rules.
Scope
When choosing an item or an activity to remove, it is important that the LOP is the right scope.
“If you take away your child’s access to something, you want to make sure it is something that will motivate them to do better in the future.” says Angela Worth LMFT “When a child is misbehaving, you want to start with the least amount of punishment that will be effective in helping them change.”
It is better to under-punish than over-punish. If it is not effective, you can always increase the correction for further offenses.
Duration
It is important that Loss of Privilege be for the correct length of time. Children live in the now. Parents often think that a longer time period of deprivation will lead to better results. In fact, the opposite is true. When parents take away a privilege or an item they are exerting dominance. It is a way of reminding the child that you are in charge.
“Make it immediate and make it short.” says Angela Worth LMFT “You want to give yourself more opportunities to exert dominance not less.”
Children under age 8 usually need the Loss of Privilege to last less than a day. Older Children can have longer time periods. For first offenses try to make the time period for a few days. Extend the length of loss for up to two weeks.
Follow Thru
Trust is an important part of the parent-child relationship. It is extremely important that if you choose to use Loss of Privilege as a punishment, that you follow thru with what you have said. If you say they cannot use the X-Box for a week, then you need to make it all the way thru the week. It is easier to follow thru if the scope is correct and the duration is short. This teaches your child that you mean what you say and will lead to less defiance in the future. If the punishment is too painful, you will be more hesitant to give your child consequences. It is better for kids to get lots of little corrections than one massive one.
Logical
Loss of privilege is most effective when it is directly tied to the defiant behavior. For example, a child who fails to follow the rules around the use of a car, loses the ability to use the car for a specific period of time
Tied to Correcting the Behavior
Instead of tying the loss of privilege to an arbitrary time period, it may make sense to tie it to a specific behavior changes.
“Instead of saying that a child has lost a privilege for doing something wrong, tell them they can earn back a privilege by doing something right.” says Angela Worth LMFT “For example, a child who is not keeping his room clean, might lose the use of the computer until his room is clean.”
If using this type of consequence, ensure that the item that is lost, is something that you do not mind your child losing for an indefinite amount of time.
Do Not Escalate
Sometimes parents threaten Loss of Privilege in order to get immediate compliance from the child. When the child does not capitulate instantly, the parent in frustration keeps intensifying the punishment. Intensifying the punishment is called escalation.
“Parents can escalate either by increasing the length of the punishment and or by taking away more and more things. ” says Angela Worth LMFT “Remember the point of this punishment is to exert your authority and change your child’s behavior in the future. By allowing the child’s emotions to influence your decision, you are giving the child too much power.”
It is more effective to enforce the original punishment and let your actions speak for you. Give your child a chance to cool down, evaluate their behavior and make a different choice. If they repeat the original offense, then intensify the punishment.
Do Not Go Nuclear
When I get really upset with my kids, I am sometimes tempted to “Go Nuclear.” When I am tired or frustrated, my feelings are less well controlled. In the heat of the moment, it is sometimes tempting to yell and scream and take away everything your child values. Sometimes this is because my kids are behaving really poorly, but usually it is more about my own state of mind.
“I always try to avoid going nuclear because I want to affect change. Over punishing makes your child feel like they are doomed and there is no way to earn back your good opinion.” says Angela Worth LMFT “It also leaves your hands tied should further correction be necessary. And worst of all, you are modeling a loss of control for your child.”
Children pay a lot more attention to what we do, rather than what we say. If we lose control of our emotions and have a temper tantrum, we are telling our children that fits of rage are acceptable.
Find Ways to Reconnect
Punishment is hard on you and your child. Punishment should send a clear message that certain behaviors are unacceptable, but it should not send the message that the child is unacceptable.
“You are disciplining your child because you love them and want the best for them. ” says Angela Worth LMFT “They may not interpret your actions as a form of love, so it is important to find other ways to connect with them.”
Give them extra hugs, read a bedtime story, or watch their favorite TV show with them. Try to find opportunities to give them positive feedback about things they are doing well. Do not let discipline define your relationship.
