There are no good or bad words. There are times when we use yes and no without beating around the bush. If my child is seeking information, I generally answer them truthfully. If a child says, “Is Dad home?” This is a request for information. If Dad is not home, it is fine to say no.
When "Yes" Matters
Yes matters when children are seeking an interaction or permission. If your child invites you to read him a story, or play outside with him. He is seeking a relationship building interchange. This is when yes matters. You want your child to feel like you are available to him. If it is not convenient to meet his need, be sure to use a “yes, when” statement. This statement tells him, “Yes, I want to play ball with you, and when dinner is finished, I will come outside and play.” When you have completed the necessary task, be sure to follow thru. When you keep your commitments without being reminded, you create trust and strengthen the relationship.
Another time yes matters, is when your child is asking permission. There are times when for safety or sanity you have to say no, “No, you may not stick the fork in the electrical outlet.” However, positive parenting demands lots of yeses and very few nos. A yes makes your child feel heard and valued. A no makes them sad and angry.
Yes vs. No
If children only made reasonable requests, it would easy to always say yes. Sadly, children are not reasonable. As a mom, I am required to answer approximately 2 million questions a day. At first, I try to just ignore the endless stream of questions, but my children just increase the volume, until they are heard. My children often ask permission for ridiculous or impractical things like testing out their cape by jumping off the top of the stairs. Because I do not want to answer with a plethora of “nos,” I developed a pattern of speech that included the "conditional yes."
The Conditional Yes
A conditional yes, is a yes that requires something of the child. For example, when my child says, “Hey mom, can I wear my bathing suit to school?” I don’t say “no, don’t be ridiculous.” Instead I say, “Yes, you can wear your bathing suit to school, if you wear regular clothes on top of it.” The yes statement is made conditional by the if statement that follows. Another option would have been “yes, when you get home from school, you can wear your bathing suit.” I am agreeing to the activity of wearing a bathing suit, but giving a condition as to where and when this can take place.
This may seem like a convoluted way of delivering a message, but it is surprisingly effective. By saying yes and repeating what they want, you let the child know that you have heard their request. By putting a condition on it, you give them something concrete to accomplish before their desire comes to pass. For example, if my son says, “Mom can I watch TV?” I say, “Yes, when your homework is done, you can watch TV.” This will change the tone of the discussion. From that point on, getting to watch TV is up to my son. His desire to watch TV, may motivate him to do his homework without complaining. If he forgets, and asks me again, I simply say, “Is your homework done?”
Making No Count
When you rarely say no, your child will take your "no" more seriously. Parents should feel empowered to say no to things that are dangerous, impractical or mean-spirited. Then explain the consequences of their desired action and why you need to answer no. With this understanding, they are better able to generalize your answer to other similar situations.
Recently my teenager asked for a $1500.00 gaming computer for Christmas. I told him I wished he could have one, but that was way out of our Christmas budget. After a little more detailed discussion about fiscal responsibility, he was able to understand my perspective. A few weeks later his Dad was on the verge of buying a gaming computer for the two of them to share. My son actually stopped him and was able to tell him why (based on our conversation) it would be a bad idea. My husband, impressed with his sound reasoning, decided not to get the computer. Best of all, I didn't have to say a thing.