Positive Ways To Release Negative Emotions

As a therapist, I learned that the family is a system.  What affects one member, affects all members.  To put it simply, “What goes around, comes around."  For this reason, it is important to try to inject happiness and humor into the system.  When we choose to be loving and kind, we tend to start a chain reaction of happiness.  When we are angry, hurt or defensive, we can put a lot of stress into the system, and cause our family members to reflect those same feelings back at us.

As adults we have lots of responsibilities and very few opportunities to blow off steam. When I had a bad day,  I could generally hold it together while I was around the kids, but when Loftlon came home a disturbing pattern began to emerge.  He would walk in and find me very irritated. After a cautious greeting, he would casually ask, “Are you angry?” I would, respond in an annoyed tone, “No I’m not angry.” Of course, I continued to act angry while denying that I was upset . Eventually I would draw Loftlon into a fight.  This gave me an opportunity to release all those bottled emotions. Unfortunately,  it didn't really make me feel better, it didn't solve the underlying issues and was damaging to our relationship.

Eventually, I realized that this was a pattern that I did not enjoy.  I began to realize that these fights happened not because I was angry at Loftlon, but because I was exhausted and upset. He was my “safe person." A "safe person" is someone who loves you beyond a shadow of a doubt. They are committed to your well being and happiness. They are often someone we see as a person of strength. I felt I could be angry at Loftlon without damaging him or putting our relationship in danger.

I wanted to change this destructive habit and find a different way to release, stress, anger, and disappointment. My first step was to just try to do better at not taking my frustrations out on Loftlon. That didn't work because the issues that were causing my distress were real.

I needed Loftlon's insight and assistance to solve problems that were causing my suffering. I began by changing my response to Loftlon's question, "Are you angry?" "Instead of saying no, I would say, "I am angry near you, but not at you." I found this phrase inspired Loftlon to ask questions about what was bothering me. Once he knew what the problem was, he could then offer real assistance and support. Sometimes I needed help with tasks like making dinner or doing homework, but often I just needed an opportunity to be alone and release my pent up emotions.

There are many ways we can diffuse negative emotions without taking them out on someone else. Everyone has their own favorite methods of releasing anger, stress and frustration. I like to use the energy these emotions produce to accomplish something positive.  I find that when I feel angry, I can use the pent up emotional energy to attack some of my least favorite cleaning jobs. The best part is that when the anger wears off, I am left with a clean house.