When we are romantically involved with someone, there is a tendency to think a lot about the person and very little about the relationship. When we are intimate, we become one with our partner. As we blend our lives together, we begin to see ourselves as a unit. For this reason their good looks, reflect well on us. Their intelligence, becomes our intelligence.
When problems arise, and they always do, it is tempting to reverse this situation and put all of our attention on what our partner is doing to sustain the problem. This is very satisfying. It is an easy way to absolve ourselves from blame, and therefore, the responsibility for action. If they are the problem, then they have to be the solution.
Change The Focus
However, when we change the focus from our partner to the interaction between our partner and ourselves, we quickly see how we are contributing to the problem. We can then begin to see ways we could change and contribute to a solution.
Define The Problem
When Loftlon and I were newly married, I did the bulk of the cleaning and all of the laundry. It drove me crazy that Loftlon would never put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I tried moving the hamper to a more convenient location. Loftlon repeatedly agreed to put the laundry in the basket, but his follow through was lousy.
Change Your Response
We discussed the situation, and he agreed he would put his clothes in the basket. The next day the clothes were on the floor, next to but not in the basket. I began seeing his actions as a sign of his laziness and lack of caring for me. This made me feel hurt and irritated. After a few weeks of this, I decided to stop seeing the situation as his problem. Clearly my attempts to get him to change had not worked. I was tired of being upset about such a trivial thing.
Solve The Problem
I decided that going forward any clothes in the basket would get washed. Any other clothes would be nicely folded and lovingly placed back in his drawers. I can still picture clearly the look on his face when he found the first dirty item in his drawer. He held it up with his fingers, sniffed it and cautiously said, “Honey, I think this undershirt might be dirty.” I smiled and said, “I thought it smelled a little off, but since you agreed to put all dirty clothes in the basket and this was on the floor, I had to assume it was clean. So I just folded it up and put it back in your drawer.”
The look on his face was priceless. It was a mix between shock and humor. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to make a snappy retort or laugh. He decided to do neither. However, I saw a sharp uptick in clothes getting into the hamper. Our problem was solved. I had changed the dynamic. If you find yourself trapped in a repetitive argument with your partner, don’t be afraid to drastically change your own responses. If nothing else it will break the mold, and give you new things to "talk" about.
Solve The Problem
Loftlon's Perspective: I have to admit, Angela warned me more than once that this new plan would be implemented. She also gave me plenty of opportunities before then to work out some sort of system to put an end to the issue. Nothing seemed to work. I meant well, but honestly the socks came off my feet and were instantly out of my mind. When we talked about strategies for making a change, before long I would fall back into my old habits.
I love Angela and she loves me. However, I learned early in our marriage that discounting what Angela says is a mistake. Quite frankly, I would ask for nothing less myself. I remember after the first time I found dirty clothes in my drawer, I stood there gaping at her. She quiet pleasantly reminded me of the conversation reviewing what would happen. I agreed she had given me ample warning, my mouth closed, and for the last 15 years my clothes have miraculously found their way into the bin somehow. I suppose Angela could have kept after me for years, futilely reminding me to put my socks into the bin. However, I have to (somewhat begrudgingly) admit that our marriage is better for the change in tactics.
As a bonus this cautionary tale has assisted my children in getting their clothes into the hamper as well.
I love this for so many reasons but one of the main reasons is because in a marriage both are adults. If you decide to live and work together those things need to happen and that is hard. I would love a suggestion on what to do for a more serious issue like not communicating when leaving, spending money without discussion or even the way children are treated. Creativity can only go so far but any ideas would be helpful.
I think you’re a genius! Lol
I understand the concept you were trying to explain and I am going to think of ways that my husband & kids will relate/respond to best. Thanks!!
This might be perceived as passive aggressive by some people.
Hi Jill, I agree that this particular technique could backfire. The main idea is to try to change the normal routine to see if you can shake things up a bit. Some people respond better to actions than to words or emotional entreaties. Loftlon has a very good sense of humor. I thought doing something ridiculous might lead to a better outcome.
I bet your husband was not very fond of this solution.