Deciding to focus on a child’s good behaviors is the first step in positive parenting. The second step is developing a language of positivity. Encouraging adjectives will become an important part of your vocabulary. However, the most important word will not be an adjective, the key word is actually “and.”
Why "And" Matters
The purpose of parenting is to help your child to develop into their best self. It would be lovely if this just magically happened, but that is not the way it generally works. Parents have the experience and wisdom to guide their children to success. The trick is to give that guidance in a constructive way. The best way to give constructive guidance is with the word “and.”
In the English language, we have several words used to connect ideas. One word we use is “and.” Another word is “but.” "And" is used to connect similar ideas, while "but" is used to introduce a contrast to what has already been said.
Using "And" To Give Feedback
When giving your child positive feedback it is important to use" "and" phrases to give continued instruction. For example, if your child has just loaded the dishes, but he forgot to turn on the dishwasher, you would want to give him the following information,
“Wow James you did a great job loading the dishwasher. I can’t believe you got it done, before I could finish sweeping the floor. I love how you put everything in the right place. And now all you have to do is turn it on and you will be all done.”
See how different that is from saying:
“Wow James you did a great job loading the dishwasher. I can’t believe you got it done before I could finish sweeping the floor. I love how you put everything in the right place. But you forgot to turn it on.
When you use “and” you are focusing on what the child has done right and telling them what else they need to do to keep the trend going. When you use “but” you are essentially negating everything they did right by shifting the focus to how their performance is lacking.
Using "And" To Give Encouragement
When your child is upset because they have not achieved something they were hoping for “and” is a comfort and a motivator. For example, let’s say your daughter wanted to make the basketball team at school. She worked hard and gave it her best, but when the team roster was posted, her name wasn’t on the list. She is disappointed and upset. You can use this as an opportunity to boost her up by saying,
“I can’t believe your name wasn’t on the list. You worked so hard on your jump shot and dribbling. I admired how you set a goal and worked hard to achieve it. You made a ton of progress." For the additional encouragement, you can substitute any “and” phrase that works for her situation. Here are a few possibilities:
And you can keep working and try out again next year.
And those skills will come in handy when we sign you up for community basketball.
And the ability to set a goal and work towards it will help you be successful in school.
And I want to celebrate your efforts by taking you out for ice cream.
Once you discover the power of the word “and” you will find yourself using it in more and more situations.
I love this article and I can’t wait to try this out with my kids. Thanks for the insight.