All parents struggle with getting children to follow instructions. My own children can be particularly skilled at sporadic, voluntary, deafness. When children are ignoring you, it sometimes appears that they just did not hear what was said. As a first step to mutual understanding, begin by repeating the instructions in a pleasant (but louder) tone of voice. If this doesn't work, and the situation continues to degrade, You may begin to feel anger well within you. This combination of emotional intensity and increased volume is typically referred to as yelling.
As a young mom, I learned that yelling did not work to enhance communication with my children. It wasn't successful in gaining their cooperation. Yelling can cause children to get defensive and worried, but it rarely motivates them to follow directions. Here are seven communication strategies that utilize novelty and creativity for gaining children’s attention, comprehension and compliance.
1. The Power of Touch
Touch is a powerful way to get a child’s attention. I found that holding their arm, resting my hand on their back, or tapping them on the head, all worked to get children's attention. Once their attention was focused on me, it was easier to have them hear and understand what I was saying. In truly distracting environments (like the circus), I would gently grasp their chin and turn their face towards mine. Once we had eye contact, we were in business.
2. Whisper
When kids are getting louder and louder, the worst thing you can do, is try to talk over them. It is generally more effective, to speak in a whisper. The children will often quiet down in order to hear what you are saying. Kids love to whisper. It is different, and it is associated with inside information. It tends to help ease friction, and encourages compliance.
3. Sing
Music is an incredibly powerful way to communicate information. Language is primarily processed via the left hemisphere of the brain. Music uses both the left and the right hemispheres to process. For this reason, a child who is having a hard time processing information that is spoken, may have better luck when it is sung. Generally I would use this tactic when I wanted to give my kids a sequence of directions.
Songs like, "Row, Row Your Boat," and "London Bridges" have simple tunes and can be easily adjusted to your specific needs. For example, when trying to get my kids to help clean the kitchen, I might adapt the lyrics to London Bridges as follows:
Put away the dishes please,
dishes please,
dishes please.
Put away the dishes please,
My fair Emma.
My kids love to hear me incorporate their names in a song. They often follow my instructions, just to see what I will sing next.
4. Use an Accent
Children are naturally drawn to novelty. One way to capitalize on this attraction is to give directions using an accent. My kids love to hear me talk in an accents. I am not particularly skilled, but I will attempt a British, pirate, or southern bell complete with accompanying facial expressions. To get a kid out the door, I might squint an eye and attempt to walk as if I had a peg leg while saying,
“Shiver me timbers, it is time to cast sail. I need all me best mates to get below decks and get their shoes and stockings on. We are heading down the gangplank, to visit our landlubbing cousins.”
This gets particularly entertaining when the kids start attempting to mimic your accent and asking for definitions of pirate words. If you don’t know any, feel free to make some up.
5. Do an Impersonation
If your child loves a particular show, try talking to them in the cadence and vocabulary of their favorite character. My kids loved Dora the Explorer. I can still recite a few episodes nearly word for word. In every episode, Dora and her friend Boots go on an adventure with the help of her backpack and map. By speaking like their favorite characters, I would instantly get their attention and invite them to follow my directions to become part of their favorite show.
6. Rhyming
If you don’t like to sing, you can try speaking in rhymes. Children do not require a sophisticated rhyming scheme. For getting out the door I might try:
“Tick tock, You need a sock,
I’d really like you,To put on your shoe”
or
"It looks like snow and I want to go
If you don’t want to freeze, wear a coat pretty please”
If nothing else, thinking up new rhymes gives you something to do, while you wait for them to follow instructions.
7. Change The Environment
When I was a kid, if the teacher wanted to get our attention she turned off the lights. When the room went dark, we knew we had to stop talking and pay attention. Changing the environment to gain attention, also works well in parenting.
There are many ways to change the environment. You can turn off the TV or radio. You can turn on or off the lights, or even flicker them in a strobe like manner. You can bring the car over to the side of the road and put it in park. You can change your child’s location, by taking them to a different area. If I pull my kids into a room by themselves, I am guaranteed to have their full attention.
Don't Worry About Feeling Silly
Many of these alternative communication strategies may seem silly. Just remember that children love to play.
Gain their attention and cooperation by finding your inner child and being willing to play with them.
I love these, I will start trying them because I am so tired of yelling
Something that I do it use notes and signs. I tend to raise my voice if I have to repeat instructions over and over. To help me with that, I make a sign on paper and tape it nearby. If I need to repeat it, I don’t! I just say “hey” and point to the sign.
This is such a great idea. When you write something down and refer to it instead of speaking, you are sending a clear message that the issue has already been decided and is not up for discussion.
I use 5 of these techniques at home and in my classroom with a lot of success! My students follow directions so much better when I sing to them. It always catches them by surprise forcing them to pay attention.